whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
