she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
