Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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