Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She's just so happy...and so naked.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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