i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
