she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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