The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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