So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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