How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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