I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
