i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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