dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
