my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
