woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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