im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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