Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
