I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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