I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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