i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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