Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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