Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
