shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
