Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
