I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
