I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
