I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
