my mouth tastes like poor choices
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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