So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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