There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
