just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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