I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
