now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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