I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
