Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
