Soap is not a condiment
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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