I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
