she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
