Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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