I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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