god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
