It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
