I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
