Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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