its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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