Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize