We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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