best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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