Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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