you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
