not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
