Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have tasted many bathrooms
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
