I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
