Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
