dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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