Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
