ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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