The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
