If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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