Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
