Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
