Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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