youre lurking in front of me
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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