Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
