Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This is my gift to your gina
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
