I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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