Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
