Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
