Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
