I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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