Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
either way he was missing a nipple.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
