I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize