i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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