Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
