I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
